Why do I feel like I'm just existing?
You're living a life you can't authentically call your own. You struggle to look at yourself in the mirror.
From the essay
There's a state a lot of people live in without ever naming it. You're not really living, but you're not dying either. You're half alive and half dead.
So when are you actually going to do what you want to do? When are you going to stop saying "I want to" and start saying "I am"?
So here's something to try. Tonight, tidy one thing: your desk, your desktop, one drawer. And while you do it, say out loud one sentence that starts with "I am", about the life you're choosing. That's how you stop being half alive. You decide who you are, and then you live it.
Also asked
How do I start living the life I actually want?
You decide who you are, and then you live it.
Who decides how I should live my life?
No one is here to tell you how to live. That's number one. You need to decide for yourself exactly how you want to live, and know that your decision dictates exactly how your life turns out.
This essay is part of the book Sit Still Enough to Hear It.